FIRST ENTRY...I'M NERVOUS

I don't know why I am nervous to start writing a journal. Maybe it's because I don't want to hide anything and just get it all out. Maybe its because I am scared someone will read it, but thats the whole point of this journal. Someday I do want someone to read it...when I'm dead! No, maybe when I am 80 and don't care what people think anymore. Is that seriously how long its going to take me before I don't care what people think of me?!
Maybe that should be my first entry. I am consumed with fear about what people perceive about me. I clean my house telling myself,"If someone were to come over today, would you be embarrassed?" And then of course on the days that I don't care is when someone actually does come over and then I am furious with myself for not having the house in perfect condition. I remember when we first moved into our house in Farr West. It was Thanksgiving weekend and I thought maybe someone would want to drop by and look at our new house. So for 3 days I kept the house immaculate. On the 4th day, a Sunday I didn't care any more and was exhausted from cleaning. We were going to visit David's parents that day so I left the house in ruins. As we were loading up the kids in the car, David's aunt and uncle pulled into the drive way. SHIT! I ran back into the house and just started throwing things in cupboards, the laundry room, anywhere where they couldn't be scene. I was screaming at 5 year old Aubree to just throw things in closets and drawers. Kathy always has her house in perfect order. It kills me. And here she was at my brand new house that I have wanted to show off for weeks now and it looked like the atomic bomb went off and then some. So instead of taking them on a tour, I went in the laundry room and cried. I was so angry with myself for not having it in perfect order. I was so ashamed at myself and promised that I would never leave the house like that again.
I have been better since that time, but their has been a few times where people have stopped by and my house hasn't been spotless and I again scream at myself for not having it in perfect order meaning: No dishes in the sink, no fingerprints on the fridge, all rooms vacuumed, kids room cleaned, playroom clean, both bathrooms cleaned, NOTHING OUT OF PLACE! I am very hard on myself. That is an entirely different post. We will save that one for later.
I also have a huge fear of saying the wrong thing, but since I have this fear it seems to make me say the wrong thing ALL OF THE TIME!!!! When I am around people and I start to talk they look at me, which of course is what you're supposed to do when someone is talking to you, but for me...it makes me sooo nervous. And of course I get my words jumbled up and I say the dumbest things and they don't make sense. Luckily for me some of my closest friends know this and so even when my words come out backwards they still understand what I was trying to say. I swear I've got some kind of learning disorder! Their have been so many times where I have said the wrong thing and go home feeling completely humiliated and say to myself, "Just don't ever talk...like ever!!!" What's worse is when I get made fun of when I get my words all jumbled up which doesn't help me get my words out clearer. It just makes me go red in the face and think worse of myself. I think I just admitted I have really bad self-esteem. And theirs another post. I don't' think I am ready to post about that yet.
Whew!. Okay. End of post 1. I am hoping this will be therapeutic more than anything.